I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
