Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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