I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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