im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Randomize
