The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
