Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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