Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
