dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
