Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
