Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
As shirtless as possible
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
