Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
