She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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