Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
