Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
