Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
