sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
