Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
