I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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