I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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