So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
