Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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