I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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