Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
