All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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