Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
