He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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