oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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