Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
