I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Randomize
