last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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