I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
