I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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