So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
