Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
