I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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