i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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