Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
