Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
