I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
