At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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