The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
