where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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