I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
