Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
