When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
