everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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