I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
