glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I can text with my tongue
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
