youre lurking in front of me
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
