Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
