whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
