Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
